New Bible Stories

I've often wondered...  what is there to stop me from writing new bible stories?  Certainly not fact and logic.  The Bible is public domain, as are all the stories contained within.  Somebody obviously put in the time and effort to create these stories long ago.  Perhaps we need some fresh new stories for the kids (and some adults) involving physically and logically impossible happenings.  Why read the same stale stories over and over all the time.  That gets boring.

Perhaps some of these stories came about from something factual happening long ago, then miscommunication taking place as they were passed along, until the next thing you know, people are turning into salt poles and talking snakes are trying to get you to eat 2-4 servings of fruit a day.  Much like that game where you pass along a phrase from ear to ear until it gets to the last person, at which point it makes absolutely no sense.  Perhaps people purposely changed the stories around because it made things more interesting.  That game is always more fun when you pass on "My left buttcheek is Vietnamese" after you hear "I like the color blue".

Maybe one day we'll be able to use time travel to go back and see that Lot's wife mearly got sick because she was allergic to malt, and that she in fact was never turned into salt.  Maybe Noah built a cart and not an ark.  Because it was getting drizzly and he needed to harvest 2 of each of his vegetables to make a nice gumbo.  Maybe Jesus wasn't crucified.  Maybe the cheeses were pasteurized.  Some 1800 years before Louis Pasteur no less.  That is truly a miracle.  One more miracle and somebody has a sainthood in their future.  Or is it two more?  Is the Easter Bunny a genetic slicing of a human and a rabbit?  Does any of this really matter?  No.  Moving on.

New Bible Story Idea #1:

A race of futuristic beings comes from another planet to destroy man and test his faith.  They obviously didn't come from another planet, because God only made the one.  Earth.  Duh.  They are actually harbingers of evil created by the devil (ever notice that the word "evil" is in "devil", and God is one "o" away from "good"?), who lives in Earth's core.  Not the outer core mind you, seeing as that is composed of liquid and hell isn't an ocean of magma.  That would just be ridiculous.  He lives in the inner core, which is solid Iron.  How badass would it be to have a lair made of solid iron?  Way more badass than clouds.  Anyhow...  humans eventually help some of the beings obtain a cube called the "All Spark" and then the beings leave Earth, but not before Bumblebee is killed which is sad.

New Bible Story Idea #2:

A man is framed for a crime he didn't commit, and is sent to prison.  Through the power of faith, he  spends 20 years digging a tunnel out of his cell with a communion spoon.  He hides this hole behind a large poster of Moses.  To pass the time, he reads scriptures, prays, and carves non-false idols out of stone.  Another convict comes forward as the perpetrator of the crime, but is killed by the minions of Satan before he can confess.  Eventually, on a night when God is bowling, and thusly creating thunder from the heavens, the man is able to escape to Valhalla to meet up with his new friend Muhammad.

New Bible Story Idea #3:

A young boy breaks his arm, but through the powers of a miracle, his arm heals in a manner that gives him messiah-like powers.  He realizes that he is able to throw a Jesus-orb with great velocity towards the heavens.  Using this power, he makes a great deal of money in organized sports to help pull his destitute, yet pious family out of poverty.  Through the powers of Satan, the young boy loses his gift, but is still able to win the final game against the Boston Heathens by "floating it", a miracle technique taught to him by his mother.  After winning the game he dies, then is canonized as a saint due to being involved with two separate miracles which aren't able to be tainted by the witchcraft of modern science.