I don't know if anyone has noticed yet, but I'm somewhat terrible at keeping the ball rolling on things. I tend to start creative ventures with the intention of putting a lot of time and effort into them, only to fizzle out when factors such as work, school and other responsibilities factor into the equation. The fact that I've only been posting about once a month illustrates this point quite well. I'd legitimately like to be posting something about once a week on here.
I'd really like to start working on a series of posts about recording school and embed clips of the progress I'm making on songs, but that's something I would only post it if I felt like it was entertaining or informative in some way. So we'll see how that goes.
As for right now however, I'm probably gonna start posting haiku occasionally. Sounds exciting, huh? Hear me out though. Back when I was in college, after learning HTML in my spare time while doing terribly in the C++ and programming I was supposed to be learning, I started a website or two. I used to post my shitty amateur protoshop artwork, post a ridiculous drunken blog about my many awkward situations involving my roommate at the time, and post a ton of haiku. I think of had over 300 haiku posted on that site. I wish I had backed a lot of that material up before the sites expired and I inevitably lost all the data years ago.
The point being that I enjoyed seeing what kind of ridiculous haiku I could come up with. It's almost like coming up with a clever status update on facebook, but fitting it into a 5-7-5 format. They don't even need to rhyme, but if you can pull them off with some type of rhyme scheme, it's even more satisfying. I feel that they are both more fun to write than traditional poems, and more entertaining. But I might be incorrect. The thing about haiku though, is that they are an aquired taste. Some people find them entertaining and others completely don't care for the whole concept. I like them personally, because you can come up with them quickly, and don't need to spend a substantial amount of time sitting down to work on them. Most things I post on here I start working on, only to have to abandon them for a while, then come back a week or two later to finish when I'm in the right state of mind to work on them again.
Hence this post and the following haiku. Hopefully it'll help me break the once-a-month posting habit and get into the mind-frame of writing more often. I'll start off with a few I wrote for some videos I planned to do for youtube. They were all somewhat medieval-themed and meant to be done in a faux British-accent. The first three ended up in the first video, but it came out terribly so I never did a follow up video with the other haiku. This shall be their new home.
Yonder street urchin
Why doth thou asketh for coins
Seek thee employment
Man upon transit
Thou doth reeketh of urine
Seek thee fresh linens
My heart doth acheth
As I long for days of yore
Fetch me my Zoloft
Come forth fair maiden
and I shall layeth my sword
betwixt thine goblets
Off to the ren faire
Virginity eternal
Is the prize we seek
I do not drink mead
For I haveth the straight edge
Fetch me a cider
Hark! Stop that strumpet
She hath snatched mine pantaloons
I shant pay her fee
Let us go yonder
On a quest to the ren faire
To cast lightning bolts
Thou art rapscallion
Thou art a haggard heathen
I love thee father
Greetings fair maiden
Will thou come and LARP with me?
Wait, why doth thou run?
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
New Bible Stories
I've often wondered... what is there to stop me from writing new bible stories? Certainly not fact and logic. The Bible is public domain, as are all the stories contained within. Somebody obviously put in the time and effort to create these stories long ago. Perhaps we need some fresh new stories for the kids (and some adults) involving physically and logically impossible happenings. Why read the same stale stories over and over all the time. That gets boring.
Perhaps some of these stories came about from something factual happening long ago, then miscommunication taking place as they were passed along, until the next thing you know, people are turning into salt poles and talking snakes are trying to get you to eat 2-4 servings of fruit a day. Much like that game where you pass along a phrase from ear to ear until it gets to the last person, at which point it makes absolutely no sense. Perhaps people purposely changed the stories around because it made things more interesting. That game is always more fun when you pass on "My left buttcheek is Vietnamese" after you hear "I like the color blue".
Maybe one day we'll be able to use time travel to go back and see that Lot's wife mearly got sick because she was allergic to malt, and that she in fact was never turned into salt. Maybe Noah built a cart and not an ark. Because it was getting drizzly and he needed to harvest 2 of each of his vegetables to make a nice gumbo. Maybe Jesus wasn't crucified. Maybe the cheeses were pasteurized. Some 1800 years before Louis Pasteur no less. That is truly a miracle. One more miracle and somebody has a sainthood in their future. Or is it two more? Is the Easter Bunny a genetic slicing of a human and a rabbit? Does any of this really matter? No. Moving on.
New Bible Story Idea #1:
A race of futuristic beings comes from another planet to destroy man and test his faith. They obviously didn't come from another planet, because God only made the one. Earth. Duh. They are actually harbingers of evil created by the devil (ever notice that the word "evil" is in "devil", and God is one "o" away from "good"?), who lives in Earth's core. Not the outer core mind you, seeing as that is composed of liquid and hell isn't an ocean of magma. That would just be ridiculous. He lives in the inner core, which is solid Iron. How badass would it be to have a lair made of solid iron? Way more badass than clouds. Anyhow... humans eventually help some of the beings obtain a cube called the "All Spark" and then the beings leave Earth, but not before Bumblebee is killed which is sad.
New Bible Story Idea #2:
A man is framed for a crime he didn't commit, and is sent to prison. Through the power of faith, he spends 20 years digging a tunnel out of his cell with a communion spoon. He hides this hole behind a large poster of Moses. To pass the time, he reads scriptures, prays, and carves non-false idols out of stone. Another convict comes forward as the perpetrator of the crime, but is killed by the minions of Satan before he can confess. Eventually, on a night when God is bowling, and thusly creating thunder from the heavens, the man is able to escape to Valhalla to meet up with his new friend Muhammad.
New Bible Story Idea #3:
A young boy breaks his arm, but through the powers of a miracle, his arm heals in a manner that gives him messiah-like powers. He realizes that he is able to throw a Jesus-orb with great velocity towards the heavens. Using this power, he makes a great deal of money in organized sports to help pull his destitute, yet pious family out of poverty. Through the powers of Satan, the young boy loses his gift, but is still able to win the final game against the Boston Heathens by "floating it", a miracle technique taught to him by his mother. After winning the game he dies, then is canonized as a saint due to being involved with two separate miracles which aren't able to be tainted by the witchcraft of modern science.
Perhaps some of these stories came about from something factual happening long ago, then miscommunication taking place as they were passed along, until the next thing you know, people are turning into salt poles and talking snakes are trying to get you to eat 2-4 servings of fruit a day. Much like that game where you pass along a phrase from ear to ear until it gets to the last person, at which point it makes absolutely no sense. Perhaps people purposely changed the stories around because it made things more interesting. That game is always more fun when you pass on "My left buttcheek is Vietnamese" after you hear "I like the color blue".
Maybe one day we'll be able to use time travel to go back and see that Lot's wife mearly got sick because she was allergic to malt, and that she in fact was never turned into salt. Maybe Noah built a cart and not an ark. Because it was getting drizzly and he needed to harvest 2 of each of his vegetables to make a nice gumbo. Maybe Jesus wasn't crucified. Maybe the cheeses were pasteurized. Some 1800 years before Louis Pasteur no less. That is truly a miracle. One more miracle and somebody has a sainthood in their future. Or is it two more? Is the Easter Bunny a genetic slicing of a human and a rabbit? Does any of this really matter? No. Moving on.
New Bible Story Idea #1:
A race of futuristic beings comes from another planet to destroy man and test his faith. They obviously didn't come from another planet, because God only made the one. Earth. Duh. They are actually harbingers of evil created by the devil (ever notice that the word "evil" is in "devil", and God is one "o" away from "good"?), who lives in Earth's core. Not the outer core mind you, seeing as that is composed of liquid and hell isn't an ocean of magma. That would just be ridiculous. He lives in the inner core, which is solid Iron. How badass would it be to have a lair made of solid iron? Way more badass than clouds. Anyhow... humans eventually help some of the beings obtain a cube called the "All Spark" and then the beings leave Earth, but not before Bumblebee is killed which is sad.
New Bible Story Idea #2:
A man is framed for a crime he didn't commit, and is sent to prison. Through the power of faith, he spends 20 years digging a tunnel out of his cell with a communion spoon. He hides this hole behind a large poster of Moses. To pass the time, he reads scriptures, prays, and carves non-false idols out of stone. Another convict comes forward as the perpetrator of the crime, but is killed by the minions of Satan before he can confess. Eventually, on a night when God is bowling, and thusly creating thunder from the heavens, the man is able to escape to Valhalla to meet up with his new friend Muhammad.
New Bible Story Idea #3:
A young boy breaks his arm, but through the powers of a miracle, his arm heals in a manner that gives him messiah-like powers. He realizes that he is able to throw a Jesus-orb with great velocity towards the heavens. Using this power, he makes a great deal of money in organized sports to help pull his destitute, yet pious family out of poverty. Through the powers of Satan, the young boy loses his gift, but is still able to win the final game against the Boston Heathens by "floating it", a miracle technique taught to him by his mother. After winning the game he dies, then is canonized as a saint due to being involved with two separate miracles which aren't able to be tainted by the witchcraft of modern science.
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